The Hennig family of Cape Canaveral, Florida were stunned last Saturday morning when an unknown projectile came crashing out of the sky into their outdoor pool. As they struggled to come to terms with the chaos around them, a young man emerged from the water unharmed but despondent.
“It was just a regular Saturday morning and I was out in the backyard trimming my bush. All of a sudden I heard a scream followed by a gigantic splash in the pool. By the time I rushed over to see what had happened a young man was pulling himself out of the water, muttering about a malfunctioning glider.”
Elaine Hennig, the owner of the residenceAs it turns out, the delusional skydiver was actually a self-professed Fortnite addict. Having played the game for hours every day over the past two years, 32-year-old Carl from England had decided that he needed to up the ante.
“After a while the gratification of winning online games starts to wane. I knew I needed a real challenge, so I began planning the idea of a real life battle royale about 4 months ago. The hardest part was finding a pilot willing to let me jump out of his plane in restricted airspace, but I knew as long as they dropped me in America the weapons and player count wouldn’t be an issue. Unfortunately, the one thing I didn’t count on was my homemade papier-mâché glider glitching, causing a free fall.”
Deluded Carl
The whole incident has once again highlighted the monumental task our society faces trying to stop the younger generation being consumed by video games. The problem was exasperated when Carl, leaving court after Mrs Hennig had dropped the single charge of “no bombs” into the pool, ran over to the nearest tree and began trying to “get wood” using an inflatable unicorn. The judge’s verdict was a $212 fine, with payment still pending.
/sarcasm
-Craig 💀
