Destroy All Humans is a remaster of 2005’s semi-open-world adventure, set in a rural 1950’s America in which extra-terrestrial sightings are rife and anti-Communist propaganda is spreading through the airwaves like wildfire. Amidst the government’s attempts to prove that aliens do not exist, you are in fact Crypto 137: a genital-free Furon clone who’s hellbent on avenging his dissected predecessor, and wreaking as much havoc as possible along the way.
In 2005, you could have gotten away with calling Destroy All Humans an open-world game, however by today’s standards the play areas feel exceptionally small with invisible boundaries keeping you boxed in. During missions this is absolutely fine as they’re linear by design with little exploration required.
Missions do come in a handful of shapes and sizes, although most boil down to running from point A to B in disguise, or causing carnage to achieve a specific objective, which could be anything from escorting a live nuke on the back of a truck, to defending radio towers from wave after wave of humans.
Stealth sections are made easier thanks to Crypto’s “Holobob” ability, which lets you assume the appearance of an unwitting human allowing you to blend into a crowd. It’s certainly no Hitman, but enjoyable – if not a little inconsistent – nonetheless. Some missions will result in failure if your cover is blown, while others encourage you to go in guns blazing and take on the humans in a fully-fledged gunfight.
Thankfully, in combat, Crypto’s inventory of weapons offers a solid amount of variety when it comes to taking on the humans. In fact, for the first hour or two of the game, it can be quite overwhelming to the point that it almost feels like there’s more abilities than there are buttons on the controller.
On the tactical side, you can recruit humans to follow you and protect you with their own lives, while simply reading their thoughts keeps your “Holobob” replenished, while forcing them to dance to cause a distraction is comical to say the least – especially when it’s an army soldier, and his comrades run over to clap in support of his moves!
The primary attacks include an electric beam which zaps enemies, while the disintegrator ray reduces them to a mere skeleton. The Anal Probe meanwhile has also become synonymous with the Destroy All Humans franchise. It attaches to a human’s butt, often resulting in a cheesy bit of dialogue such as “This reminds me of army bootcamp!” before their head explodes.
This perfectly sums up Destroy All Humans’ sense of humour, which is littered with innuendo and immature jokes. It’s certainly not for everyone. As a kid I played a demo of Destroy All Humans 2, and the crude references were enough to pique my interest, and I probably spent hours poring over the Official Xbox Magazine’s review. Over a decade later, and the sense of humour was almost certainly better-suited to me as an early-teen, although don’t take that as a recommendation for your kids: it’s very much littered with swears and adult references.
The story itself is very primitive albeit on par with what you’d expect from a parody of 1950’s alien invasion movies. You’re up against a top-secret government agency whose goal is to achieve world domination (of course) and along the way you’ll encounter German scientists, secret agents, even the President of the United States – all with their own personal vendetta against Crypto, which makes for some entertaining cut-scenes and dialogue between the diminutive little guy and his foes.
You’ll traverse through a handful of areas on your journey – from a top secret base aptly named Area 42, through to a stereotypical suburban 1950’s garden party and a carnival. They’re all pretty similar though, and don’t do much to keep things varied. The missions are interesting in their own right though, with a selection of escort missions, tower defence-style missions and the aforementioned stealth sections all going to some length to keep you on your toes, in addition to a couple of less-frequent mechanics which occasionally shake things up.
In addition, some missions will see you take control of Crypto’s flying saucer, but it’s here where the game really shows its age. The flying mechanics feel loose and imprecise, and you’re constricted to a near-top-down viewpoint – presumably to mask the PS2 era hardware’s draw distance limitations. This shouldn’t have been an issue in 2020, but it’s clear to see that re-doing this would’ve meant that this entire gameplay segment would’ve needed a full overhaul. The visuals in this remaster are a highlight though, with a bold and vibrant art style marrying up with the “adult cartoon” tone nicely.
Outside of the main storyline, you’re able to freely roam around any previously-visited locations and wreak havoc to your heart’s content. You’ll find mini-games here, which provide a bit of a distraction and more of a challenge than the core missions, with goal-based stages challenging you to go for a high score and attain a three-star ranking. This in turn rewards you with DNA which can be spent on weapon upgrades, which will prove especially useful when you take on the game’s final boss. Make sure you check these out before going for the final level, by the way… you’ll thank me later.
Destroy All Humans is by no means a classic, then. It’s showing its age in more than a few ways in 2020, however it’s unique “charm” (read: crude humour) holds up in 2020 and will serve to provide a solid nostalgia trip for fans of the original release. For this reason, it’d be hard to recommend at full price, but if it paves the way for a true, modern sequel with a proper open world, then all aboard the flying saucer!
-Martyn
A review code for this product was kindly provided by the publisher. Reviewed on Xbox One.
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