When I first heard about the concept of Date Everything! I wasn’t sure whether it would resonate. It’s one of these ideas that’s so crazy it either lands with a bang, or a wet fart. I’m happy to report that on this occasion, developer Sassy Chap Games has nailed it. So strap in, because that toaster over in the corner is poppin’ more than tarts.
Our adventure starts by filling out an application form for employment. You begin a job as a remote customer service advisor, helping people who have issues with their recently bought items. Date Everything! sets its stall out early in the humour department, allowing you to be cheeky to the customers you’ve been tasked with helping. Regardless how helpful you are, you’ll swiftly be informed that you are no longer required. AI is being deployed to take over your role, and you have been relieved of your duties… along with the team that created the AI. Oh the irony.
Your day then takes an even stranger turn when an anonymous hacker known as tinfoilhat contacts you on the Thiscord app to let you know he is delivering a mysterious package to you via a drone. This turns out to be a stylish pair of shades called dateviators, and putting them on we get introduced to a rather fetching pink haired hottie named Skylar Specs. Skylar is the dateviators and she is our first dateable! After a quick tutorial about how wearing these glasses allows you to go on a presumably drug fuelled rampage and attempt to defile everything in your house, we’re off to the races!
The core gameplay loop revolves around choosing which objects to interact with each day, responding to their dialogue, and shaping your relationships. While the mechanics are simple, the sheer variety of characters keeps things fresh. However, the lack of a text-skip feature for repeat playthroughs is a noticeable omission, making it tedious to revisit certain storylines.
There is a huge cast of characters (100 in total) to discover. Each feel unique and come with their own personalities and stories. The aim is to obtain either friendship, love or hate status with each of the objects. This gives you points for your SPECS app which will increase one of five attribute categories. Poise, smarts, empathy, sass and charm. Gaining enough points in each of these will unlock special dialogue options that may help seal the deal with that stubborn inanimate object.
SPECS isn’t the only app we have at our disposal, there’s also Date-A-Dex – which is a super useful rolodex of everyone you have met so far, including a bit of info on them, their likes/dislikes and who the character is voiced by. Roomers is also a handy app as it gives you clues as to how you can uncover more dateables. These apps are only available while wearing your Dateviator glasses, while others like WRKSPCE and Thiscord are both there to facilitate messages from the outside world and provide some sanity.
The real star of the show here is the excellent writing and voice acting. Often hilarious and sometimes genuinely heartfelt, each line is delivered expertly by the outstanding cast that include Felicia Day, Ben Starr, Ashley Johnson, Neil Newbon, Dante Basco and more. You can really tell that they bought into the concept and had fun with the material.
This is backed up by a great soundtrack. Each object has their own little tune that plays in the background as you interact with them. Some even have little noises that related to the object baked into the music, which adds a real extra level to the proceedings.
Visually, the game boasts beautifully designed unique characters, with each object transformed into a distinct persona that reflects its function and personality in a cartoon style. The house that you spend the time navigating is fairly basic, but services the premise well. Games that focus around dialogue options can sometimes feel cluttered, but the UI remains slick and clean throughout.
Final Verdict
Date Everything is a refreshingly weird and surprisingly heartfelt dating sim that embraces its absurdity while delivering genuinely engaging interactions. While the lack of a text-skip feature and a few minor continuity hiccups hold it back a little, its hilarious dialogue, strong voice performances, and sheer variety of characters make it a must-play for fans of unconventional visual novels. If you’re looking for a dating sim that’s completely unlike anything else, Date Everything! is well worth your time.
-Mark
